Okay, Alexander, here you are...
(Alexander is very scared lately because he's just getting back into this stuff, but that's all ok.)
We just wanted to say that if we look at the Journey Board and the 5 Castles, and the beginning of the final castle, where Jose says "the theft occurred", it corresponds perfectly with the last 10.4 years of our 52-year journey. What's interesting is to see how the beginning of "civilization", 5,125 years ago, and this flirtation with the destruction of the biosphere, resonates in our own life.
This would be late 95, early 96 for me. Jose and Lloydine had started their US tour here in Tucson, and we had over 300 people. And then at the follow-up event, we had 4, and some of them were just visiting. Ex #3 had given us an ultimatum, and we had taken a temp office job. We had crawled out of the bathroom and made a phone call for help, having been barfing for about 9 years.
(Okay, Mr. A.... It's the next day now and lots has happened. Do you want to keep writing?) (So what happened?)
(We dont wanna just keep telling stories, but its always the new story along with the old stories, because in our new correlation this is the TWO day of the MOON wavespell, so here we are all over again, right at the beginning of the last castle.)
So as we entered the Matrix Castle of (Enchantment?) in 96, stopped caffeine and sugar, and started answering some simple little questions about early food and body parts, the screaming started. We would be hungry, fix some food, and then have to resist the urge to slam the plate against the wall and run outside to do the screaming. Eventually we heard a little boy's voice say "IF THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I CAN GET YOU TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME, WHEN IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO EAT, THEN THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE!"
We had to let him scream til he was done. We screamed away everything. We were getting our gut reactions back. We were coming out of shock. We were dropping our false personality. We lost everything we never had in the first place. That was our personal final castle of our first 52 years.
So how do we see the cycle of "civilization" then? How do we see the human spirit dissociating from its truth and trying to medicate its fear with money and institutions? Did it work out ok for us? Yeah. Would we want it any other way? No. Has all the truth come out now about the false economic reality? Sure. And is it okay that this is just too shocking for some people and that they just dont wanna do this journey this time around? Sure. So they still need their television to tell them the old story but most of them know that it's a story now. They're just too scared to try anything different.
So where are we then? All we need is in our solar plexus, and uncovering all the fear that is keeping that all plugged up is no fun, but we wouldn't want it any other way. So, "I AM WILLING TO CHANGE. I RELEASE THE NEED TO BE TERRIFIED. I HAVE ALL THAT I NEED AND I AM SAFE AND SECURE."
This time through with our recovery journey, we're working on the deep, unconscious urges to recreate the "invasion" that happened in our childhood (by acting out with other people), and the brutal, demonic, spiritual annihilation critical voice that was embodied by various family members of various generations and became a part of our consciousness. ("LOOK AT THIS FARGING LITTLE IDIOT SITTING THERE TYPING ON HIS LITTLE COMPUTER TO ALL THESE OTHER NEW-AGE FLAKOS! WHO THE HLL DOES THIS LITTLE SON OF A BCH THINK HE IS ANYWAY? IS ANY OF THIS GOING TO DO HIM ANY GODDAM GOOD? HLL NO! THE LITTLE SON OF A BCH NEEDS TO GET OFF HIS SSS AND GET A GODDAM JOB! WHO THE HLL DOES HE THINK HE IS?")
Jose's father was an artist and a government administrator with strong communist ideals. Alexander's father and grandfather were successful conservative businessmen who just happened to be ____ addicts and _____ addicts and and rage-a-holics as well. And they were loved and respected by lots of women and others in their community.
So we were doing the hard screaming last nite, and then got this medicating dream-vision of the bad stuff that felt good when we were little. And we had a sense of peace, but knew we were being medicated. Why do we keep pretending to be a grown-up? Here's where we are. Here's where we're experiencing some kind of physical ecstasy. (That just happened to make us suicidal and evil for the next 30 years or so.) We never grew up. We're a little kid, just like everyone else in any "civilization." We have our spiritual annihilation, which we dissociate from, and then we use all our addictions to medicate our pain that we dont even know we're in. So it's ok to just let that little mlsted kid BE. And then he can BE DIFFERENTLY.
It takes huge amounts of love and guidance and wisdom to grow little kids up into functional adults. Huge amounts of love and patience at every stage of their growth, because it is terrifying to grow up into an adult human being and to speak our truth. In this culture, that's going to hurt a lot and we're going to lose a lot of what we thought we had in exchange for being who we are. There are very few models left of the wisdom and love we need, but they're there, and will show up all in divine right order, as usual.
(So are you going to go to your campfire support group tonight Mr. A and try to share some of this stuff?) Sure. It's a beautiful setting overlooking the entire city. And we wont find anyone there who's on our journey, because we are becoming our own loving protector, and that's what we're all looking for anyway.
Enough gush for a TWO day, the LOVE day guided by COMMUNICATION. God is good. We are scared.
Alexander Q Lightbody
Tucson
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